Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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