also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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