One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
