when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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