i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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