I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
