Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
