The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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