This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We got so high we made milksteak
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
