My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We have so much sex to catch up on
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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