I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Where are you guys?
Drunk
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
