You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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