trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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