Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
