Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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