Got a toothbrush?
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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