is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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