Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
