The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
last night I used snow as a chaser
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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