The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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