I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
