Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
