"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
