I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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