I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
