just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
