I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
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