life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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