She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
