quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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