I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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