Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
