I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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