And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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