So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
