i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
