The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
