im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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