Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
