Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
