You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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