Dude my mom stole all your condoms
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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