You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
