I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
