Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
