the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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