new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
