I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
