I wish my penis had an off switch
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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