Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
