I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
