i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
