I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
