I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
