So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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