Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
